Quick Thought: Battle of the Continents


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I have a golden rule that I don’t like bands named after continents. Bands like Asia or Europe are prime contenders of vile music and now America wants to weigh in on this downtrodden sonic destitute? Who said that this band could represent North America? Is the name America trademarked and if so can they set some Goddamn standards if a band is going to name itself after it. If somebody has never been to America and wanted to brush up on culture what better place to start than music? They would Google the word America in search of information and this musty band turns up as a result of their search. “ We were planning a trip to America but we heard it’s songs and figured if this is all they have to offer musically we will just pass on that place”. Now the result of this reaction is we are losing millions in valuable tourism dollars and there is no liability from this group that claims to be the country’s house band? Not fair, right? If America is a democracy should they have voted on this before they let it happen? Or, how about even just lie and say the band had weapons of mass destruction and just sent some Navy Seals to take them out?

If the bands Asia, Europe and America went to war let’s talk about arsenals and who would win in a musical fight. Europe has the “Final Countdown” which implies they have some sort of firepower, like a rocket or missile. Asia has “The Heat of the Moment” which to me plainly says the moment they attack you will feel the heat so I’m thinking high power nuclear weapons might be involved from on their end of it. Finally, we get to America and their musical arsenal consists of “You Can Do Magic”? I’m really scared America. What are you going to do, pull a rabbit out of a hat? Or, maybe have a string of handkerchiefs that won’t stop coming out of your pocket? How time consuming is sawing people in half one by one? To add insult to injury another song in America’s arsenal is “A Horse With No Name” so essentially one could only believe the musical military of America consists of a magician on a nameless horse. This is simply a deplorable situation.The data here speaks for itself and it is shocking that America cannot keep up with the likes of Asia and Europe. America should vote and change the band Metallica’s name to America because Metallica has an album called “Kill Em’ All” and to me that sends a stronger message if you wanted to intimidate other continents in terms of musical weaponry.

I am currently emailing my local state representative in regards to this matter and by writing this I hope I can inspire others to see the travesty in all of this putrid misrepresentation that the band America is projecting to the rest of the world. I urge all Americans to exercise their do diligence, wave their magic wands and make this all disappear before further damage to America’s reputation is done. Let’s make America great again.



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